it is well.

The last day of November is officially here.  In just under an hour (I can hardly believe it) it will be the last month in 2009.  

Welcome back December: it’s time for you to display your strengths and weaknesses.  

Strengths:  Extended family time, two weeks off of school, sitting by the Christmas tree, decorating sugar cookies, holiday cheer, Nat King Cole, waking up to snow, eggnog lattes, and the reminder of Jesus’ humility.

Weaknesses:  Ice-covered windshields, numb fingers, finals for students, running inside, cold classrooms, and the heating bill.  

Everything and everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Technology.  

The President. 

Cultures.

Pesticides. 

Michael Scott. 

Seasons. 

I choose to embrace both in everything and everyone.  

Because Jesus loves me despite my weaknesses.  He loves me just as I am–messy and flawed. 

So December, I am glad you are coming and I will learn how many minutes it takes to scrap off my car windows.

I had my first observation by the principal this week.

Narcissistic thoughts plagued my mind as soon as I heard he was coming. What was he going to think of me, the students’ behavior, the seating arrangement, the magazines strewed across the back table– leftovers from the last project, and my messy handwriting (I’m an art teacher, does that mean I should have calligraphic handwriting?)

Oh the mind. It wanders and worries and tries to control things it simply cannot control.    

So the principal strolled into my class and observed me teaching…

10 minutes too late.  

The students were quiet and well behaved during the lecture/demonstration part of class and he. missed. it.  He missed the best part.  He observed me working with the students one-on-one, but in the end, I was disappointed.  I wanted the principal to see me at the best possible moment and to be pleased with my ability to communicate the concepts of art.

More than anyone else, I wanted my principal’s approval.   

But wait.  That shouldn’t be.  

Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.  

Be a servant of Christ.  Let go of trying to win the approval of men.    

 My  heart should not sink to the ground when the principal gives me correction.  My heart should not soar to the sky when he gives me praise.  

For my approval comes from God.  And he carries my heart.  

Jesus saw my entire lecture. Jesus saw the students grasp the concept of space. Jesus was there to witness it and say well done. But I didn’t hear him. I was too busy worrying about the principal missing my grand performance.  

Jesus help me to let go of my self-focused thoughts.  Help me to hear your voice, above my own, and to please you more than anyone else in the world.  

Thanks for loving me despite my flaws of pride, worry, and insecurity.  

Oh I am learning.

I like the color brown.

brown boots.  brown hair.  brown county.

Last weekend, I went on a retreat into the woods, away from the noise of school and traffic and washing machines.  I felt like God was asking me to take a deep breathe and soak in the wind and the leaves and the beauty of the earth.  And so, I made it a point to take some time and travel to brown county and reflect and feel the presence of God.

As I was walking along the trails, I asked for the fog to be cleared, which so easily covers the windows of my heart, and a steady light to pass through the transparent glass and into the depths of my being- a light that revealed the furious love of God.

You see, I was reading this life giving book by Brennan Manning called, The Furious Love of God, and falling deeper and deeper into truth, recognizing God’s pursuit of me.

It’s hard to imagine, but God is pursuing me.  me.  And I strongly felt it.

I came to rest on a rotten log after an invigorating challenge of passing over a creek. I had to jump from rock to rock and fortunately made it without my shoes and socks becoming soggy and wet.  And so I sat on this giant log and took a picture in my mind of the beauty before me.  As I was resting, a single leaf came and gently rested on my lap, right on top of my scarf.  It was a beautiful yellow maple leaf, one of the most color-filled leaves I have seen this fall.  It was God’s gift to me (I do love leaves), gently reminding me that he wants all of me.  He wants the broken parts, the ugly parts, the shameful parts, and the restored parts.  He wants me just as I am.  And he loves me just as I am.

And I long to pursue this God who is pursuing me–to know and deeply believe in this love that surpasses all knowledge.

I can pursue Jesus by spending time with him in the mornings, every morning. I can pursue Jesus by loving others. I can pursue Jesus by talking with him throughout the day.  I can pursue Jesus by lowering myself, putting others before my myself.  I can pursue Jesus by guarding my thoughts, only thinking things that are true and lovely.  I can pursue Jesus by playing the piano for Him.  I can pursue Jesus by baking bread for my neighbors or encouraging my students or grading large stacks of sketchbooks without complaining.

For this is my deepest desire.  To pursue Jesus. To grow in love and faith, so that I can say.

It is longer I who live, but Christ that lives in me.

I spoke Spanish with a student today.  She forgave my mistakes and mispronunciations. And we left each other’s presence more content with life. But our conversation wasn’t even suppose to happen.  

3:15.  The bell rings signaling the students to push in their chairs, gather their belongings, and walk out the front doors leaving behind another day of school.  3:30 means the end of a work day for me.  But not today.  

One of my students came up to me at the end of the day and asked if she could stay after school to finish her project.  

My mind instantly said yes and so I told her yes.  Oh wait.  That means I stay after school until she is finished.  ”O.k. that is alright,” I thought. “I haven’t gotten to know this girl very well and so it would be good to talk with her while she finishes up her project.  I could still be home by 4…”

4:30.  She was still only halfway done with her project.   I had two choices.  I could tell her to stop and finish it in class, or I could stay and continue to help her.  I decided to make the decision I did not want to make and I stayed by her side and continued to guide her in Photoshop.   

5:00.  I realize that this girl cannot express herself well in English–it isn’t her first language.  I took a risk and asked her if we could speak Spanish with one another.  

Her eyes light up.

She started speaking a mile a minute and I could hardly understand the words coming out of her mouth.  ”Maybe I know less Spanish that I thought,” I said to myself.  I asked her if she could slow down and ask me some simple questions.  

And we began to talk…about hobbies, church, boys, parents, siblings, and Mexico.  Spanish words came from my mouth that I forgot I knew how to speak.  She corrected my mistakes and we laughed a lot together.  It was life giving for her to speak in her native language and I was happy to practice a language I desperately want to learn.  

This is teaching.  This is learning.  This is what I love do to. 

5:30.  The project was finished.  We parted ways.  And I am so glad my school day did not end at 3:15.

Beauty overwhelms us, enchants us, fascinates us, and calls us.                                   -Fr. Andrew Greeley.

I am intrigued with the word beauty right now.

Think about it.

We can see beauty, we can hear it, feel it, touch it, and taste it. I see beauty in the red maple leaves that are beginning to fall.  I hear beauty in a well written melody. I feel beauty in the presence of my grandma. I touch beauty when I pick a ripe Jonathan apple from the orchard. I taste beauty in the roasted butternut squash that came straight from the garden.

And yet, this one word has caused so much untold pain in the lives of women.  We ache to be beautiful, so we put ourselves on diets and get face lifts and pluck our eye brows trying to achieve the status of being outwardly beautiful.  We buy clothes and buy makeup and buy wrinkle free cream to obtain beauty.

I believe that this desire to be beautiful is a God given trait to women.  But we have twisted it–society has twisted it.  We have thrown the meaning of beauty  into a garbage disposal, shredding it’s true identity to pieces.

And God is revealing to me, that there is a deeper level of beauty that I must strive to obtain, rather than striving for a smaller size in jeans or flatter stomach or clearer skin or whiter teeth.

Ruth is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.  She has short hair, blue eyes, and a laugh that lights up a room. She is at rest with who she is and is gloriously alive and in love with Jesus. Whenever I see her, usually in the kitchen, I feel more at rest with myself. Her beautiful soul invites me to come and see that the Lord is good.

Ruth is my grandma and she is 70 years old.  Beauty dwells inside of her.  And she has wrinkes.

I want to spend my life focusing on obtaining a beauty that dwells beneath the layers of clothing and skin–a beauty that invites people to meet Jesus. I want to offer a deeper beauty to others so that they find rest in themselves–a type of beauty that is full of tender mercy and soft vulnerability.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is worthy to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

There are certain people in my life that I have met, left their presence, and realized I am not the same person.

Cecile is one of those people.

Cecile appreciates touch more than anyone I know.  When you sit down to talk with her, she holds onto your hands, like a child being swung around in the air, and won’t let go until you have left her presence. Sometimes, she reaches up to touch my cheeks and I feel the warmth of her wrinkled skin. I naturally love this 5 foot tall woman and way she chooses to rejoice in heartache.

Cecile is blind.

She recently lost her sight this past January and doctors cannot figure out why.  So Cecile and her husband have come to stay with my grandparents while my grandpa gives her chiropractic treatments, praying and hoping that cranial care may restore her sight.  Cecile is my grandma’s cousin, and this is the first time I have been able to meet the Canadian born and raised relative.

I use to greet Cecile with the statement, “It’s so good to see you.”  And she would replied, “I wish I could say the same.” But now I say, “It brings me so much joy to be with you Cecile.” And she now says, “I can say the same.”  And so I sit with her and place my arm around her and let her feel my dangling earrings and touch my skin while we talk about her life, her kids, her grandkids, and the pain of losing her sight.

These last few visits to my grandparents’ house have been full of joy and sorrow.  My heart longs for Cecile’s sight to be restored, but things have not been getting any better.  So yesterday I sat with her and cried.  We both cried, acknowledging that the loss of sight is a pain that cuts deep through the flesh and into the tender places of the heart. And at the end of a good cry, we acknowledge that one day, things will be made right.  And Cecile’s sight will be restored. Whether in this lifetime or the next.  And she rejoices and laughs, and tells me more stories and quotes her favorite hymns.

There is so much to learn from the elderly.  And I am thankful to have a strong relationship with my grandparents. And I am thankful to have met grandma’s cousin, Cecile.

Her life has affected mine more than she will ever know.

 ”We do not always get what we want, but that doesn’t mean that we no longer want.  It means we stay awake to the unmet longing and ache.  Wait there.  Invite Jesus to come and he will come.  Not always to satisfy us by giving us what we want.  But to come himself; to meet us with his very person and to satisfy us with himself.”                  -Stasi Eldredge

To gain true beauty, to become a woman of substance, I am learning I must be willing to suffer, to ache, and to sit in the waiting room until my name is called.  But I am not alone in this waiting room with comfy chairs and tacking artwork–I have company.  Jesus has come to sit beside me as I wait for His voice to say, “it is time.”  I can almost feel his hand brush past my shoulder blades as he places his arm around the back of my chair and crosses his legs, content to simply wait alongside me. Lately, I have been tapping my foot as the hours and days and months slowly roll by and I stare at the clock and wonder, when is the time going to come? When am I going to be pursued, asked a certain question, and loved through sickness and in health?

But today, something has changed. I am not staring at the clock anymore, allured by it’s tick tock sounds.  I am content with staring into the eyes of a Savior who sees me and knows me. I can feel his presence in this room as he satisfies this unmet longing.

And so I wait,  knowing that sitting patiently will only heighten my experience when the time does come.  It will be more alive, more fulfilling, and more beautiful than if I choose to satisfy the cravings right now. in my own time.  

I can enjoy this time of being single. I can sit and focus on expanding my heart.  I can grow in beauty.  I can grow in truth.  I can be content to read a book in the waiting room.  

Because someone is sitting beside me.  Gently telling me to…

just wait.

“Jesus promised his disciples three things–that they would be completely fearless, absurdly happy, and in constant trouble.”  G.K. Chesterton.  

I am not promised that in this life, things will turn out perfectly. They haven’t so far. My parents are divorced.  My heart has been broken. And I just cannot get rid of my imperfect skin, no matter what brand of face wash I use to clean my pores at night.                                                                                            (A small imperfection).  

But I can experience a life without fear:  fear of dying, fear of failing, fear of losing all my hard earned cash, fear of ridicule, and fear of being alone.  

I can experience a life of being absurdly happy:  I am slowly starting to taste this one: my grandma’s canned tomato juice, bike rides to the farmer’s market, fresh raspberries in yogurt, the sound of coffee brewing,  reading by the light of a lamp, holding my neighbor’s baby, saying good morning to tired students…I feel happy and full of life when I take in these moments and hold them in my hands. But I think there is a deeper happiness I have yet to experience.  

Constant trouble: I am slacking in this arena.  Jesus’ disciples did many things to stir up trouble in their community.  The Pharisees sure did not like them and neither did those ancient rulers and government officials.  God, how can I stir up trouble (in your name) in my own community? 

Maybe, if I were more fearless, I would stir up more trouble.  I could pray with students when I felt lead to, I could lose my job over my faith, I could pray in the hallways and at lunch time with other teachers, I could live in the lower class neighborhood, I could hang out with Latino families and eat dinner with them, I could let others use my car, I could give my beautiful Mac computer away, I could… 

stir up trouble and make other Christians (possibly current day pharisees) question how I am living. They might ask whether or not I am making “wise choices for myself.”  But how would you live in this day in age Jesus?  Would you live in a middle class house, own a car, and have a retirement fund?  I am just not so sure… 

Jesus, I am your disciple.  Help me to get into more trouble.  Help to me live fearlessly and uncomfortably and love unconditionally.  Open my eyes to see how I must truly live.  Lead me with your Holy Spirit to do the work I am intended to do, without fear.  Help me to get rid of this selfish and timid way of living, and instead be defined by reckless love.  

Let’s get ridiculed by others, shall we, and take our faith seriously.  fearlessly.  

(we mustn’t forget that this will result in absurd happiness)

God has recently answered one of my prayers. 

I have been asking Him to help me find a group of women that I can call my community–women that will walk with me through the rain and sun and will help me stay accountable to my Christian faith.

I met Liz at teacher orientation.  Our first “bonding” moment occured  when we had to participate in this role playing game, in which she was the teacher and I was the student.  Liz’s job was to be silent and firm and my job was to try to get her to laugh and loose focus. I threw some comment out there like,”Miss, please don’t be mad, I just broke up with my boyfriend and I needed to text him and tell him that I actually still love him and want to marry him…this is the most important text of my life, you just can’t take away my cell phone.”  I got her to crack a smile, then a laugh.

On the last day of orientation, she asked if I would be interested in joining a bible study…

I said yes.  And began to hope that this was a community God had in mind for me.  After meeting the four women and hearing pieces of their lives, I instantly felt at peace with this group.  Glory to God.  

I believe God has given me this gift because He asks us to be in community. 

Galatians 6:2. “Share each other’s troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”      

God has created us to be social beings, starting with Adam and Eve,  with a will to relate and be in relationship with one another.  We grow wiser and become better people when we invest in forming a strong, caring community, in which people will choose to sacrifice freedoms and conveniences for the sake of others.  We will babysit in emergencies, cook extra dinners for a family, run someone to the airport, and help someone move box after box into a new home. 

I am beginning to see that in this world, I am a part of something much bigger than myself. Individualism, selfishness, and isolation occur when I feel that I belong to no one or nothing…

when I lack community.  

And so I choose to pursue and invest in others and open myself to others. This life is not about me, it is about God’s will being carried out through me. His desire is for me to be in relationship with people.  In this way,  I am fulfilling his commandments, “Love one another” and “Share in each other’s burdens.”  

Community. Christian.   They must sit side by side and eat bread and drink wine with one another.  Jesus had a group of twelve.   

So I encourage you to find community.  To recognize who is your community. It may take time, but it is worth the effort.  

With whom can you share your burdens, your temptations, your stories, and your servitude?

Find it. Ask for it.  And be part of it.

teaching art. 

living in an apartment.

planting a garden.  

living off the land.

moving to a foreign country.

speaking a new language. 

working with people. 

practicing art.

taking a new name. 

expanding my stomach. 

cooking for a family.   

getting wrinkles. 

enjoying life in every stage. 

these are things my heart desires.